It's A Bird, It's A Plane, It's....Well...

I am completely off my schedule here. I know it, I acknowledge it and I'm looking at it. Right now I'm taking it as a good thing and trying to write here when I'm inspired. I've been reading things I want to write about and stopping myself because "it's not the day for that." Well screw that!

AAG has a Blogger Anonymity Project. If anyone wants to write about something but needs a safely anonymous place to do so you can email your post to her and she'll share it in her space with none of your personal details. Today she's shared post #5 in the project and I really want you all to go read it.

The upshot is that a woman who identifies herself as polyamorous is married to a man who has mostly identified himself as monogamous. He's entering into his first relationship outside their marriage and she's working through what that means to her personally and for their marriage.

Please don't assume you know how this letter is going to play out. If you have the courage to read to the very end of the piece you'll have so much more to digest about what keeps people together and about the choices we make about love. This is a topic I roll around in my head all the time. ALL the time. It may have something Freudian to do with being an only child and always having been a partial participant in someone else's marriage or it may just be that I write a lot so I am nosy about how things work. Either way my feelings about non-monogamy aren't in the least clear cut and this woman's insight and bravery brought my understanding to a whole new level.

I would love to have all of you read this anonymous piece and to hear what you think about it. I'll be devouring the comments over there so I'll keep my eye out for you.

Not That First Time

I'm trying these days to be more interactive with my internet. I've been urging myself to volunteer for things, to make more comments, to speak up even when I don't think what I have to say is especially exciting. That's why I spoke up when AAG asked if anyone would like to review a web site for one of her clients. Perfect way to make a one on one connection and learn about a new site and get myself out of my shell.

Now to explain why I'm writing this review of SexForums.com four days late.

I knew nothing about the site I'd be reviewing when I agreed. That's not a bad thing, I think it's kind of good for the way I'm wired. If I don't know what it is I can't come up with all the reasons I'm not right for the job. 

The first thing I needed to do was register as a member of the site (super easy, you can get away with basically entering a username and password but you can also elaborate on who you are and what you're looking for to focus the kind of suggestions the site will offer you) and forward that info back to AAG so I could be upgraded to a VIP for the duration of the review process (regularly starting at $8.33/month). I got a quick look around the site and was, predictably, overwhelmed.

Here we go back to my history. I'm unpracticed with forums. The most time I've ever spent on them has been in a fanfiction context and there I mostly skimmed the conversation and just read the stories. When I search for erotic writing or imagery online I generally fall into a rabbit hole jumping from site to site when a story, picture or blog entry strikes my fancy. I've never tried to have conversations or form connections in this way before. I've tried two internet dating sites. On one I didn't even get through the extensive registration process and the other one I got through that part and read a couple of profiles of my matches and have now lost my log in information and not signed in again. All of which makes me the best person to review SexForums, because I am about the freshest pair of eyes you can get, and the worst, because I don't even know what I'm looking for. I'm choosing to go with my strengths, though, and just tell you what I see.

I was intimidated by the site because it's new to me so I found a ton of excuses to put off my exploration and then it was Thanksgiving and then I got sick and then I was a coward and finally today after a heroic effort of memory to recall my password (Beware if you're a hotmail user, for some reason SexForums and hotmail had trouble communicating. They have my email address entered properly but it takes a long while for me to get communications and their system registers an error when it tries to send to me.) I spent a few hours poking around the site, if you'll pardon the expression, and I had a lot of fun.

The novelty factor is, for sure, in play to some extent. The way I'm wired might mean I wouldn't come back regularly but I sure would have a good time while I was there. (Note to self: write down your damn login info.) Now, I don't know how many of the readers here have ever played on a sexual social networking site before so forgive me if I'm covering familiar ground but let me give you an overview.

You create a profile and you can tell people what you're like personally, professionally and sexually (sort of like you'd do on any special interest social networking site like GoodReads or Blogher or Ning). You can then explore the forum conversations, share photographs, live chat with other users, be matched with others with like interests, start a blog or just browse other people doing all these things. It's a lot of information. I went to photos first because I happened to get an alert about the recommended photos of the day. I toured four or five pages of photos and found a little bit of everything, from explicit sexual contact to close ups of genitals to titillating but hardly X-rated boudoir shots. Something for everyone, probably, but the recommended shots were heavily weighted toward women's bodies and faces. I don't think I saw one male face and not much more than penises and balls. My settings are leaning toward straight and bi-curious settings, though, so I think if things were a little different I might have come across more man on man action and more full body shots of men.

From there I checked out a couple of people's profiles and blogs and I started to get the feeling I was too old to be playing in this pond. In my random searching most members were barely into their 20s aside from one gentleman in his 50s whose profile picture is of a tortoise. I did not know how to take that last bit at all. There was a lot of text-speak and bad grammar and poorly written come on lines that were a turn off for me. Which is not even to speak of the animated gifs and fancy emoticons.

I understood I was casting the net wide so I headed off to my profile and searched for people in my age group. First I tried men from 34 to 52 (don't know why, that was my random approximation of appropriate ages for me) living in the US and turned up three gentlemen. One of them was a guy down South who featured himself being given a blowjob in nearly every photograph. His forum posts and personal description pegged him as someone I'd walk away from in a bar even before he made his obligatory "joke" about women being barefoot, pregnant and ideally toothless. I was not encouraged. I widened my search range to ten years on either side of my own age, so 32 - 52, and scored one more guy. From his photos he's built like the governor of CA in his heyday, he's also articulate, and filled in some blanks about his career and personal feelings as well as his sexual ones. He put the hope right back in me, though I was sad that there was only one of him in my self-imposed age range. I'm realizing as I write this that I limited myself in another way that I can go back and check on. SexForums seems to have a relatively deep international base as well. If I release my geographic restrictions I might find a lot more fish in this particular sea.

What reminds me of this is another forum thread I found. I can't even begin to explain to you how I found it, I was reading recommended threads and jumping from profile to profile of people who struck my fancy so it was a rabbit hole situation again. Anyway, the thread was titled, "Numbers," and it started with a longish explanation of positional numbering and the way we visualize and articulate numbers. The conversation that follows rolls back and forth between discussions of language, math, self-esteem and sexual terms in a variety of languages. It was a fun party conversation, something I could see myself actually participating in. It felt like a good way to get to know people on a couple of levels before sharing photos of our pink parts and discussing the ways we liked to rub them.  These are all discussions I love to have but I need a little lead up I guess. Later on I found a thread about anal fisting that was fascinating to me in light of my previous post on the vaginal version.

That thread lead me to the profile of a woman who I'd like to be my SexForums fairy godsister. She's young enough to be my daughter but let's go with sister for this situation. She's a young, bisexual woman who seems to have some experience as a dominatrix. She writes well and seems knowledgeable about all things sex and social media. You know how new waiters trail an experienced one before going solo, I feel like I should stalk her a bit but not in a creepy way, more in a trailing wait staff kind of way until I see where the people I click with hang out on this site and how I can best get to know them.

Now, there are some weirdnesses. For instance while I was writing this I went over to SexForums to check on a reference and found I had a message waiting. It was from a 35-year-old, US-based, straight guy and he wanted to know if my name was a combination of Kiss and Jizz. That's not the weird part. The weird bit is that he didn't show up in my previous search. Perhaps he has certain privacy shields in place that prevented it but if not then I can't really recommend the search function on the site.

All that being said I think this is an aspect of sexuality online that I'd like to explore in some more depth and this seems like a good place to do so. In a relatively short time I was able to find an area of the community where I felt comfortable and was easily able to overcome my shyness and respond to my questioner. I don't know how quick I'll be to post revealing photos of myself but I'm grateful that others don't share my reticence because I sure did like looking at them. Sometimes you run into sites with photos and videos of people who don't seem as though they're having much fun. Since all the sharing here is by members and therefore presumably consensual there's a much lighter vibe about it.

The question of pricing can't be overlooked. I was allowed a free peek into a higher level of service. If you've read here for any length of time you know that I'm notoriously worried about money and reluctant to spend on myself. If I was freer in this respect I'd own everything NJoy makes. Due to that I suspect I wouldn't have tried this without the reviewing option and I can't speak to how this pricing compares to other sites (if anyone else can speak to that please do in the comments!).

I look forward to spending more time on the site. Please let me know if you try it out, I'd be interested to hear about other experiences.

Dang, I got so wrapped up in my own thing I nearly forgot the conversation starters. Have you ever explored a site like this? If so do you have any suggestions for me? If you haven't, do you think you would? How much do you think you'd be willing to share?

Old Friends, New Information

Way back in the 80s I moved to New York City to go to college. I was attending a small drama school within NYU. My core classes had, at most, 15 people in them. It was difficult and glorious and completely weird but I'll never forget those people, that's for sure. A year or so ago one of them was in town and we were shooting the breeze about his life in the Bay Area. He'd been accidentally stumbling upon old schoolmates of ours here and there and mentioned he'd seen Mollena. She had a web site. I might be interested.

I was. I am. I was flabbergasted to see what she'd been up to since she disappeared from my limited vision almost twenty years ago. Mollena was Ms. San Francisco Leather 2009, she's International Ms. Leather 2010 and she's got the same kind of fuzzy hat with ears she used to wear with this long teal coat as we stumbled through the Port Authority far too early every Friday morning of our freshman year. She has been active in the Leather and BDSM communities since 1996 and, even from reading her blog for so short a time, I can tell she's highly respected in all of those communities.

Full disclosure, if that was all there was to it I'd recommend her to you anyway. She's a friend and she's lovely and she's got a lot of information that you might want to have. I wrote her an email last week, after reading her blog for nearly a year, and was nervous that hearing from me would be awkward. Her swift and sure response was to tell me I made her day. Come on, who wouldn't promote the shit out of an old friend like that? Also, what a great time to tell you about the time we were both cast in a dramatization of A Handmaid's Tale. Mollena played the woman who owned the handmaid. The whole sex scene from that play takes on an entirely different sheen now.

But there's more. The girl I knew way back in the way back machine was brash and bold and wouldn't take no for an answer. She held all the reins in both hands and she was driving toward wherever the light was brightest and I always felt a little foolish for not being sure I wanted to be on the trip with her. I have control issues, I'm sure we've established that. Flash forward lo these many years and I tumble face first into Mollena's blog to hear that she's active in the BDSM community as a submissive. Really? I thought I was going to find that really hard to resolve with my memories of her. Fortunately I did what I always do in situations like that, I just kept reading.

The bold, brash, rein-holding girl is still there, of course. She's spending her life now, though, navigating those entwined desires for control and for the complete release of it. Which, you have to know, is something I struggle with all the time. How do you write about being sex positive and urge other people to be confident in their choices and clear in their boundaries while knowing that, deep in your heart, when the clothes come off you want someone else to take the reins? Mollena knows the answer to that question and she's honoring it with her writing, her speaking and her living every day.

Thank heavens I found her again.

Enter!

Many of the people, places and things I have in the pipeline for The Resource Room I first learned about at Blogher back in August. In the tumble of information that happened after the conference I wound up following Epiphora on Twitter and then put her blog, Hey Epiphora, in my reader. (I know all the cool kids don't use readers anymore they just read when someone pimps an entry on Twitter but I can't do that, it messes with my Twitter rhythm. I'm content sticking here in the mud.) So I haven't "known" her very long but here is what I know.

She's funny and honest and you don't want to make her angry. She knows what she likes and she knows how to get it. She reviews porn and sex toys and she doesn't do it lightly. If something isn't working for her she doesn't dismiss it out of hand (or cunt) she tries again and tells you the (nearly) scientific results of her experiments. Her Jack Off Journals are not to be missed! I wish there was one every week.

I chose to bump this recommendation up in the queue because her web site is having its 2nd Anniversary and she's doing a huge, HUGE, giveaway to celebrate. (Full disclosure, I can and will use this blog post as an entry in the contest. If that bothers you I think you'll forgive me when you see all the amazing stuff she's got for the giveaway.) I urge you to blog, tweet, comment, pat your head and rub your belly, bat your eyelashes, whatever you need to do to enter.

But before you do, take a spin around Hey Epiphora. You might just see something you never knew you wanted until she showed you. That's what happened to me.

*Photo is from Flickr Commons and is not associated with Hey Epiphora in any way except that I enjoyed it as a graphic for this post.

Star Light, Star Bright

I'll be damned if I can find it now but I remember reading a blog post about the effectiveness of orgasm in reducing pain during labor. The woman brought her Hitachi Magic Wand to the birthing center and gave herself genuine relief! I love that story. The writer in question is Susie Bright. Why I didn't start off the Resource Room by recommending her we may never understand. I'm doing it now, though!

Susie Bright has forgotten more about sex, sexuality, sexual revolution, gender, politics, love and acceptance than I may ever know. She edited a series of anthologies that I credit with the majority of my orgasms for over a decade. She hosts an audio series with some of the most interesting people and topics I can imagine. She has a blog where all of a sudden she'll teach you a history lesson wrapped up in a political rant swaddled in a sexy story and leave you laughing and crying all at once. Seriously, do you like any or all of Jimi Hendrix, lesbians, strippers, Woodstock, San Francisco, burlesque or groupies? Susie Bright covers all those in one blog post. She and her daughter, Athena, once wrote a sex advice column together even! You can follow her on Facebook and Twitter. You can buy her books and games and other innovations. I urge, encourage, even beg you to support her in every way as she is now and ever has been a pioneer in talking about sex.

I created this site because I started writing about sex and women kept writing to me, "Thanks for this, no one I know ever talks about it."

Go now. Get to know Susie Bright. She talks about it.


Susie's books at the Chronicle Books site.
Her blog.
Her store.
Susie on Audible.com
Photos of Susie Bright.
In Bed With Susie Bright, her audio show.



*The above photo is not Ms. Bright, it's a fair use photo from The Commons at Flickr. The woman's button says, "Pray For Sex." I liked that.

School Daze

In honor this being Back To School Week here in New York (or, rather, Back to School DAY as the kid folk will go today then have two days off for Rosh Hashannah) it seems only appropriate that the resource for today be Scarleteen.

Not being a teen or actively raising one I haven't spent a ton of time on the site myself. I can say, though, that every sex blogger who I have ever heard respond to a question about good sexuality resources for teens has spoken immediately of Scarleteen. The team over there has worked to answer questions thoughtfully, to include all types of people, and to make it easy to ask the hard questions.

I do think it's important that kids feel comfortable asking anything of their parents. However, I don't think all kids will feel that comfort regardless of how open and welcoming their parents are on any topic. I also think that learning how to find answers on one's own, from reliable sources, is a valuable skill to have. Scarleteen is, from what I've seen and heard, the very model of a reliable source. I encourage we children of all ages to support and utilize the site to its fullest.

Happy Back to School, wherever that may find you!

Brand Spanking New Feature!

The middle of the week seems like a long, barren wasteland. I need to put up another post midweek. I can't wait all the way from Monday to Friday anymore. So I thunk and I thunk (like the Grinch) and I came up with something simple and fun. I'm going to feature a resource every Wednesday. Might be a book or web site or toy or anything else. There are so many things I find while poking around the internet that I want to share and this seems like the way to do it.

I considered a number of resources to kick off the feature. They were all intriguing and delightful but I wanted it to go off with a bang...er, if you will, so I chose The Over-Educated Nympho. She's a young, fun gal living in Texas who wants to help others have fun. I suggest you check out her blow job tutorial or her threesome chronicles.

She's been on hiatus for a while but, if you follow her on Twitter (she calls it Twatter), you know that she's had a really exciting weekend and she's writing the new blog posts even as I post this. She keeps her identity pretty well secret so there aren't many inappropriate images but the language might get nabbed by your employer's spyware or your tween children.

Enjoy!

If you've found anything out there on the vast internet that you think deserves a recommendation here please shoot me an email at isabeau6 at hotmail dot com.