Tell Me About It

Ages ago I went into a fancy chocolate store with a beau and he told me he'd like to buy me whatever I wanted. I browsed a bit and chose something I loved and brought it to the register. He looked down at the one modestly-sized box of candy on the counter and said, "No. I didn't say one thing you wanted I said whatever you wanted."

Just remembering it makes me start breathing heavy. When he did the same thing later in a bookstore I thought I might follow him to the ends of the earth. (Spoiler Alert: I did not and it was a good thing.) Now, I knew neither of us was made of money. I wasn't going to grab an armful of artisinal truffle oil-infused chocolate or the complete works of Shakespeare unabridged. The offer, the releasing of limits in the gesture, though, was the largest part of the gift. It said, "You don't have to hold yourself back, make limiting choices, curb your appetites. I want you to have it all." He was all about expanding my limits. His own, not so much.

This morning the first thing I saw when I checked my email was an alert from my bank. I had made a foolish mistake resulting in a large overdraft. It's something that I can fix but because of the way banking works it will take a few days and numerous phone calls to reverse and hopefully eliminate any fees associated with the error. I was hyper emotional, as I usually am with money matters, and wanted to curl up in a ball and never ever peek out again. Since I have a dog that wasn't an option. I got up and walked to the park in the rain with him. While I walked I had a thought about fantasies.

If I'm honest, and why wouldn't I be here, there's usually a huge protective element to my fantasies. Sometimes that manifests sexually, I'm a sucker for the spooning and being taken from behind, but just as often it's also a long term plot element. (I'll keep the same characters and locations and just keep writing the story of the fantasy in my head over time, sometimes months. Just me?) The men I fantasize about, both real and imaginary, always handle our finances. I stop myself just barely short of abdicating all responsibility for income and it's apportioning, but the guy is usually a celebrity, has an inheritance, studied finance, or in one thrilling post-war rambling, got a huge settlement for being injured in the line of duty so we have plenty of money for living our dreams.

Inevitably, often on one of these walks with the dog, I will craft a scene where I want to do something that I want to do in real life - quit my job, write a novel, do a solo cabaret show with a big band, audition full time - and this dude in my head will say, "Do it."

I'll dither about the money and he'll say, "We can handle it. Do it."

Even in my fantasies, I'll ask again, "Are you sure?"

"Yes." Yes. That yes is possibly the hottest thing I ever imagine and I'm working on making a career out of imagining shit.

Now, we could pull out the psychology books and talk about how that's also related to how I want to feel valued and protected emotionally. We could take a side trip along the road where it's also about unleashing my sexual desires and having them be fully accepted, appreciated, and supported. I won't argue. Those things are all true, too, and come out in different parts of the fantasizing process. None of my fantasy men ever balk at ass play or toys or hot, noisy car sex, either.

The money part of the fantasy is real, too, though, and sexy and important to me. I might even go so far as to say integral.

Do you have any non-sexual aspects to your fantasies? Do you want to share them here?